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Weekly Improvement Plan for Couple Therapy Do you have a Couple Improvement Plan? Atomic Habits by James Clear is a sensation of a book because it helps us all understand what kind of habits in life will help us reach our goals. We all understand that small habits help us to learn to exercise more, eat healthier, take regular breaks, network better at work, or improve our relationships! Couple relationships are no different- we need small everyday habits. So the Hope Focused Couple Counseling Program harnesses the power of small habits to nudge couples towards healthier and happier relationships in small daily activities. The habits we select are based on the current research literature on what small activities seem to help most relationships. Let us know if it's helpful to you! Four Components to Daily Habits Gratitude. The first step is to daily list things you are grateful for relevant to your relationship. It can be a bullet list or you can journal. You can be grateful for aspects of your partner, things she/he has done, or the opportunity to have love in your life. You can be grateful to God, or to your partner, or to the Universe. Just add a gratitude bullet every day. The research on gratitude is extensive as a way of turning our life around. Gratitude helps people who are depressed, discouraged, feeling lost, or disoriented. Gratitude is one of the most powerful small habits a person can use- and it can be done all on your own! Your partner doesn't even have to agree to it. Bob Emmons, Ph.D., is a leading expert in gratitude with dozens of research studies on the effects of gratitude. He has found that self-guided daily gratitude journaling increases well-being in a variety of measures. It has also been found to be helpful to couples in relationships! Connect. The next step is to connect with your partner in small and big ways each week. The weekly "big date" is important for relationship repair and maintenance. The point of the big date is to just spend time together enjoying each other's company. We often recommend couples find one of those discussion questions like the 36 questions , or something you find on Pinterest, to have a good set of questions to ask each other during your date. The five-minute date is a daily check-in on the details of each other's lives. How is work? What's going on with the kids? What do you hope will happen today? What is making you anxious or afraid today? Care. Next write down a few things you do this week that involve caring for yourself. Self-care is discussed so much today it's almost easy to make fun of it. But it's nothing more than taking stock of your life, and engaging in life-giving activities that match your values and goals in life. What is important to you? Are you spending your life doing the things that match your values? Self-care can include engaging in quiet solitude or worship that refreshes your soul. Or it can be exercise and invigorating activities. Creative activities like making a beautiful dinner or artwork can be self-care. Self-care can be social activities like hanging out with friends on the weekend or playing games with your kids. Self-care can involve giving to others of your time and resources through volunteerism. Prayer or Reflect. The final two boxes in this worksheet focus you on prayer and why you are engaging in couple therapy or enrichment. If you want to write out full prayers you might use the back of the worksheet or a personal prayer journal. If prayer isn't something you are into, then meditation and reflection may fit for your needs. Engaging with the "why" or purposes in our life is a very important aspect of therapy. It gives us energy, purpose, and meaning. If you find yourself feeling lost about meaning and "why" you might try taking the Meaning in Life questionnaire and VIA Survey of Character Strengths at authentichappiness.org through the University of Pennsylvania (free). Connecting with God is a way of finding meaning for most people. Taking time to pray and reflect on the greater purposes of living in your relationship is a good habit to engage in. You might note how much you plead with God (which is OK, I'm sure God loves to hear our requests!), and balancing it with gratitude, and listening prayers. Ignatian practice uses listening prayers, as well as most Protestants practice listening to the Holy Spirit. Meditation and prayer is also common in all the major world religions, and non-religious people reflect and meditate. Prayer or meditation has demonstrated to improve mental and physical well-being. Take Notes? Sure! At the bottom of this worksheet is a place to write anything you want to remember about your couple therapy this week. Couple therapy can move fast- if you don't stop and reflect now and then you might miss something, or forget things you are learning. We recommend you keep these worksheets. They can be a nice reflection in the future when you want to repair or improve your relationship. How did you do it?

Validating and Enjoying Who Each of you Are is a Key to a Healthy Relationship by Dr. Jennifer Ripley I once had the pleasure of presenting with Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr Cameron Lee at a professional training conference. Dr Lee talked about faith, I talked about hope, and Dr Chapman talked about love languages. We had a lovely dinner together the night before and got to know the Chapmans over a meal in the home of the director of the marriage and family program at Wheaton College. It was a good time. The 5 love languages has been a cultural phenomenon with a concept that is known by most people, with popular conversations to discuss "What is Your Love Language?" What is it about this Love Languages concept that is so compelling and so many couples have found helpful in their relationship? It's very simple to understand. Relationships often feel bewildering and complex. An old men's joke asks "who can understand a woman?" and women often roll their eyes and just say "men!" when they feel confused and bewildered by their spouse or mate. What that means is that when things are bewildering, it is worthwhile to stop and remember that you and your partner are not the same. You are a couple, but you are not one mind. Your partner has their own needs, priorities, values, and personal struggles. Your partner's needs can be met by you. You have the unique power and ability to understand your partner's needs, and to meet them as a gift to them. Whether you are giving them time, a thoughtful gift, acts of service, kind words, or a warm hug you have unique power to uplift, surround and empower your partner. What that means is when your partner, or you both, are discouraged you hold within yourself the ability to turn things around. It's important to value those gifts given to you and not to devalue them or take them for granted. Positive gifts can overpower the bewilderment of relationships. It can sometimes feel like a small thing- to listen well to your mate, to pick up their favorite drink at the store, to walk over and give that hug when they are on the verge of tears. Healthy relationships are built on the power of those small positive moments giving a gift that your mate needs at that moment. What that means is that you can be a relationship ninja, doing just the right move at just the right time, if you notice your partner in need, and you think about what He or She would feel loved by at this moment, and then act on it. Maybe, in the big picture, the five languages is really just a way for us all to remember the deep and important principle: That we are not the same That we have the power to help and heal our spouse That small positive acts can be a light in a dark and lonely world

Couple talking & praying together Many Christian individuals may invest in deepening their relationship with God by cultivating a practice of praying for His wisdom and guidance each day. Many scriptures also point believers to prayer and emphasize that prayer is effective and powerful: ● Philippians 4:6 - “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” ● James 5:16 - “...The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” Christians may also intentionally pray about the hope of future relationships and their future partner's well-being before meeting. However, once you meet your life partner…how do you transition from praying for your spouse to praying with your spouse? The Daily Prayer of Examen might help. And it's not just for Catholic or Orthodox believers. Many different branches of Christianity use the Prayer of Examen . The Daily Prayer of Examen was established by St. Ignatius of Loyola, a Spanish theologian who emphasized spiritual techniques for reflection. According to the Ignatian Spirituality website, the Daily Prayer of Examen was designed to be “...a prayerful reflection on the events of the day to detect God’s presence and discern his direction for us.” Historically, this prayerful practice is completed alone, but it may offer several relational and spiritual benefits to Christian couples as they slow down to: 1. Become aware of God’s presence. 2. Pay attention to their emotions. 3. Seek God’s wisdom and guidance moving forward. You are invited to explore this practice together and reflect on the experience. Daily Prayer of Examen for Couples 1. Ask God to be with you and your partner during this 10-minute practice, recognizing He is active and present in this moment and in your relationship and thanking Him for His perfect, enduring love. Take a moment to thank Him for how He has worked in Your relationship today or over the course of your relationship. 2. Ask for God’s grace in your relationship, praying that He will reveal Himself to both of you in today’s hopes and fears. 3. Reflect on your thoughts about the day ahead of you or perhaps the day behind you: a. Fears: Today, what are we afraid of, God? What do we believe we are indanger of? What are you revealing to us in this experience? b. Attachments: Today, what are we clinging to, God? How does this affect our relationship with one another and our relationship with you? What are we afraid of surrendering to You and sharing with You? What are You revealing to us in this experience? c. Control: Today, what are we trying to control in our relationship, God? What are we scared of losing power over in our relationship? What are you revealing to us in this experience? d. Entitlements: What do we believe we are entitled to, God? What are we demanding from You? What are you revealing to us in this experience? 4. As a couple, place these four areas—“fears,” “attachments,” “control,” and “entitlements”—in God’s loving hands, asking him to take control of them. Ask Him to do with them what He wishes in this very moment, helping You to accept and trust in His perfect plan for your relationship. 5. Perhaps you would each like to end with a silent prayer to God or pray aloud together as you finish reflecting in His presence. How to Use This in Restoration as a Couple in Therapy ● This is best used by those who have exposure to the Examen already. If not, it's good to learn more about it first before using as a Couple. Make sure it's something that fits your faith, and your church teaching. ● Discuss scriptures that mention prayer and inquire whether the couple integrates their faith by praying together or if they would be comfortable doing this. ● Read through the five prompts of the Daily Prayer of Examen for Couples. ● Once completing the practice, ask what the experience was like. Reflect on the thoughts and feelings that came to mind as you reflected on your day before God. ● You may enjoy starting the day with this prayer or closing the day with the prayer. ● You can practice this prayer 1 to 3 times between sessions, sharing about the experience with your therapist. Schedule at least one time on the calendar. Discuss any obstacles that might hinder your shared practice. ● You can read through the prompts aloud together as you reflect, taking turns, or can each choose to read silently. Perhaps it would be helpful to set a timer to signal when they would like to end the reflection and share insights with one another. References: Adapted from a 2024 Prayer of Examen created by Dr. Fernando Garzon which included the following references: Adapted from Knabb, J., Vazquez, V., Pate, R., Garzon, F., Wang, K. (2020). Christian meditation for trauma-based rumination: A four week program, p. 31-34. Unpublished research protocol. This five-step “Daily Examen” is adapted from https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen ; Thibodeaux (2015); Colombiere (1982); Aschenbrenner (2007). Adapted from: https://katzieandben.com/daily-examen-for-couples/  and https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/ignatian-prayer/the-examen/

Written by Sarah Haught, M.A., Hope Focused Certified Therapist and Member of the Society for Christian Accommodated Treatments and Programs at Regent University There is considerable research that has developed to show that positive prayer for your partner has effects both relationally and spiritually. For those that use Lectio Divina in their prayer walk, this post gives ideas on how to focus your prayer on your relationship. Couple praying Lectio Divina for Couples You may have wondered - Lectio Divina? What does that mean? And how does it apply to my marriage relationship? These are all good questions we will explore further in the next few moments. Lectio Divina literally translates to “divine reading” and refers to a Christian practice of contemplation and reflection that began in monastic communities. This practice considers how prayerfully and slowly reading scripture offers a unique opportunity to experience God’s presence and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit as you intentionally dwell in scripture. While individuals may engage in this practice in their own quiet devotional time, utilizing it may be a beneficial habit for Christian couples to implement as they seek to draw near to God and honor Him with their marriage. In this way, Lectio Divina allows partners to strengthen communion with God and knowledge of His word individually and seek His presence together through shared reflection practice. Selecting a Passage As you think about passages you might like to reflect on together, some might immediately come to mind. Perhaps a certain verse has stood out to you recently, or maybe you have a special scripture that has provided comfort and encouragement throughout your message. If you cannot think of a particular passage, that’s alright! We have a few ideas listed below: Genesis 1:27-28 - “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” Romans 12:1-2 - “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” James 1: 22-25 - “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.” Ephesians 4: 32 - “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” I Corinthians 13: 4-7 - “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” Matthew 6:33-34 - “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Beginning Your Lectio Divina: 1. Prepare (Silencio): Once you have selected a scripture, quiet your heart, placing yourself in God’s presence. Offer this time to God. 2. Read Slowly (Lectio): Slowly read the passage out loud. Perhaps you would like to alternate, taking turns with your partner. Allow the words to settle and resonate in your heart. After a pause, re-read the passage out loud. Repeat this reading silently or aloud as often as you and your partner feel led, listening for the word or phrase that catches your attention and your heart. This phrase may be the same for you and your partner, or it may be different. You may take a moment to share with one another about what stands out to you. When you have a sense of that word or phrase, you may return your attention and continue reflecting together, seeking God’s presence. 3. Reflect (Meditatio): Take time to sit together with the word or phrase that caught your attention. Re-read the passage if it feels right, stopping at that word or phrase again to slowly drink it in. Perhaps repeating the word or phrase quietly or silently feels right. Perhaps entering the passage’s biblical scene in your imagination seems appropriate. Ask God to lead you as you explore this phrase at a heart level. 4. Pray (Oratio): Talk to the Lord about the phrase He has highlighted and what’s coming up. You and your partner may alternate praying aloud together. Journaling might be useful to you as well. How is God addressing you in this Word and inviting you to respond? Allow the Word to guide you into a prayerful response. 5. Rest (Contemplatio): Rest in God’s presence together. Receive God’s word deeply and rest in His presence and rich love. Allow yourselves time to wait and be still before you re-enter life as usual. Stay with the Lord until you feel prompted

You can create a relationship where forgiveness is frequent and common. Video of Dr. Everett Worthington, Ph.D. , Professor Emeritus, Virginia Commonwealth University. Creator of the Hope Focused approach to couple counseling explains forgiveness through a Templeton Foundation video project. How can you forgive in your marriage or relationship? Do you have barriers to forgiveness? 1. Many times people misunderstand what forgiveness is about. We define forgiveness as Focusing on the other person, forgiveness is replacing unforgiving negative emotions with more positive forgiving emotions. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting it ever happened minimizing the hurt that occurred apologizing reconciliation, or restoring the relationship to a previous place looking for a quick fix 2. Another barrier to forgiveness can be the severity of the offense. Some offenses in a relationship are 10 cent offenses like forgetting to take out the trash, or not asking how your day went. Other offenses are $10,000 offenses like causing bankruptcy, or being unfaithful. Recognizing the severity of the offense can help you decide how much time and help you might need to reach forgiveness. Frequency of offense can also be important. Frequent 10 cent offenses, such that a partner rarely asks how your day was, can add up to a feeling of larger offense. 3. A third barrier to forgiveness can be time . Research indicates that forgiveness is more probable as time passes. So while an offense that occurred an hour ago may be quite difficult to forgive, an offense that occurred weeks or months ago would usually be easier. The issue of timing comes with a "catch" however. Living with unforgiveness is difficult on the relationship and each person. Unforgiveness is related to health problems, psychological problems, and relationship problems. So while forgiveness takes time, there is a price to living too long with unforgiveness. Five Steps to REACH Forgiveness from Everett Worthington R: Recall the hurt It is important to recall the hurt clearly and define it. Each partner on their own may need to stop and explore what happened, what was hurtful, and how much it hurt. This step is easier if the hurt was a specific time and place. If you have a long pattern of ongoing hurts, then you can work towards forgiveness but it will be more difficult. E: Empathize with your Partner Empathy is being able to understand from your partner's point of view. Put yourself in your partner's chair and explain the offense from your partner's point of view. Tell the imaginary you sitting across the room what is needed to help understand the offense. The goal is to increase your compassion and love for your partner by taking their perspective. A: Altruistic Gift Remember when you have wronged someone and needed to be given the gift of forgiveness. What a relief it was. Offer that gift to your partner, motivated by your care and common humanity. We all fall short sometimes and the gift of forgiveness is an important one to give. C: Commit to your Forgiveness While you may not have fully worked through all the emotions relevant to the hurt, you can decide to forgive and make a commitment to work towards full emotional forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness is a commitment not to seek revenge, and not try and "even the scales" of justice. In a loving relationship, the offender should also work towards restitution and repair. But even if she or he is not ready, you can make a commitment not to seek revenge. You might say, or write a note, that says 'Today, I choose to forgive for..." H: Hold onto Forgiveness After your commitment to forgive, there is often still work to do to stay in the forgiveness zone. Life comes with future hurts, vulnerabilities and misunderstandings. Re-reading your forgiveness note can help. Remember your personal character of being a forgiving person can help. Note: If you are in a relationship with severe, ongoing, unrepentant offenses then forgiveness may not be the focus of your relationship repair. Seek professional help for this situation as it can be difficult to discern when forgiveness may be a way of avoiding ongoing problems and trying to cover them over. Forgiveness doesn't require partners to be perfect, but severe ongoing offenses need change first, like violence, infidelity, or taking advantage of a partner. Those offenses are not good for the relationship, or either partner, to engage in. All relationships need repair and forgiveness and we hope and pray that is part of your future.

by Jen Ripley Ph.D. with intervention materials from Jared Tan, M.A. Christmas Fighting Traditions Christmas used to be so stressful for my husband and I. We could count on a good fight at least once before and after Christmas. We would visit family... enough said about THAT causing tensions. We had different ideas of how many Christmas parties we wanted to attend, and as the extrovert, I always wanted to do more than his introvert self could tolerate. In our early days, it was hard to decide how much time is good to spend with grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then there's how much to spend on gifts. Yeah... fights . Christmas Dating And then we discovered Christmas dating! Now my husband and I already regularly date once a week. We might not go out to dinner and a movie, but we take a walk, cuddle on the couch, and generally try and put down our phones and look at each other on Friday nights. We both love it and credit this habit as what has kept two rather-stubborn people happily married for over 30 years. Christmas dating is a new thing- because those Friday nights get booked up with office parties, and friend-parties, and travel. We would often go over a month without dating. So we started just telling our family that we were going out, just the two of us for a few hours. We might wander around Target, or go drive around with Christmas lights, or sit in a quiet Christmas service together, or go parking like we did in high school... smile. It gave us a chance to talk through tensions and have more clear conversations we couldn't have in front of everyone else. A Christmas Movie Date A star doctoral student, Jared Tan, created a fabulous intervention, perfect for a Christmas date night but applicable any time of year. Perhaps you have been in couple therapy but you have a break due to the holiday, and you don't want to lose momentum. Yet you also don't want to instigate your negative cycle (why does every couple therapist talk about the negative cycle? Such a universal experience of couple-life) and make things worse. So Jared created the Movie Discussion Date. How the Movie Discussion Date Works A. Pick a movie. I know- this can be tense but if you think it might be tense- then let your partner pick the movie  (it is Christmas after all), or use paper-rock-scissors to decide. We recommend the following 4 movies, one of which is a Christmas movie. These movies are great with themes of relationship repair. You can stream, rent or buy these movies with major movie streaming vendors. Four Christmases (2008) with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn navigate how to understand and forgive each other. 1 hour 28 minutes. Obsessed (2009) with Idris Elba, Beyonce Knowles, & Ali Larter. A seductive office temp creates chaos in a couple's relationship. 1 hour 48 minutes. Fools Rush In (1997) with Matthew Perry and Selma Hayek. A couple finds themselves expecting a baby after a one-night stand and then they create a relationship, with some need for understanding and forgiveness. Yours Mine and Ours (2005) with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. A couple creates a blended family with struggles and offenses with their kids and each other. You might have another movie you think of with a theme of a couple courageously creating a healthy relationship despite obstacles and offenses. B. Discuss the Movie After watching the movie, grab some coffee or cocoa and a cozy spot to talk about the movie together. The main goal is to consider how the movie might illuminate good things or future goals for your own marriage. Here are suggested discussion questions: 1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.   2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?   3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each other’s differences?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?   4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?   5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area? 6. If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn't really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end?   In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?   7. When one of the partners brought up a problem, did they seem to do it in a constructive way (keeping things specific, explaining their feelings without attacking), or did it seem more like an attack? Did it seem like bringing up a problem became an assassination of the partner's character? 8. How did the couple in the movie handle hurt feelings? Did they apologize to each other? Did the apologies seem sincere? As they received the apology, did they consider how they have in the past both hurt each other and received forgiveness from each other? How do you normally apologize and seek forgiveness? 9. What other things happened in the movie that might lead you to think differently about your relationship/marriage?

Written by Sarah Haught, M.A., Hope Focused Certified Therapist Many couples have experienced moments when they felt their partner didn't understand them or wished for more emotional support. Similarly, couples can recall times when they couldn't comprehend why their partner was upset. Perhaps you've also been in situations where you felt overwhelmed by your partner's distress and wanted to provide support or find a solution. Alternatively, you may have felt powerless and uncertain about how to help your partner, leading you to avoid or withdraw from such situations. We would like to suggest that a scene from a well-known fan-favorite movie, Forrest Gump , can offer a better solution for how you can react to your partner when they are experiencing stress or expressing painful emotions. In this portion of the movie, Forrest walks with his childhood best friend, Jenny. As they walk, her cheerful expression and lighthearted demeanor immediately fade away when they come across her childhood home. In earlier scenes, the audience learns that Jenny had an alcoholic and abusive father who mistreated her and her sisters as children, which eventually resulted in her moving in with a different relative. The duo’s conversation quiets. Jenny walks toward the house and starts throwing rocks at it in tears and frustration until she falls down to the muddy ground, soiling her white skirt. Forrest watches Jenny in her desperation. Rather than running away from Jenny or bombarding her with questions in an attempt to figure out how to make her feel better, Forrest gently sits down in the dirt beside Jenny. The audience hears his simple reflection voiced over the scene: “Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough rocks.” What a powerful scene. It offers important insights for couples who might struggle to extend empathy and remain present in times when their partner is in distress. The heart of empathy is not forcing change or avoiding situations in fear - just as Forrest exemplified, it can be extended through simply being with your partner as a stable, gentle presence. Couple Reflection Questions When have been times when you have shown your partner empathy? What are examples of times that you wish you would have received an empathetic response? What are the obstacles to expressing empathy? What has it meant to you when someone has extended empathy? What would you perceive as an empathetic response? (What would your partner’s tone be? Would you prefer silence or conversation? Solutions or a listening ear? Or would you simply prefer a gentle presence?)

You started this relationship with "yes" Will you go out with me on a date? Yes Can we be exclusive in our relationship? Yes Will you marry me? Yes But we can't always say "yes, I agree" in our relationships. Each person is their own individual, as well as part of your relationship. This creates a natural tension or conflicts in predictable ways. "I want to save money, but I know she wants to spend some more." "He loves to take tropical vacations on beaches, but I miss my family and want to see them." "She wants to prioritize her work this year to get a promotion, but I wish she was more available and I'm tired of the extra chores this creates for me." "I'm a Republican but you are a Democrat!" Research indicates that all couples have tensions and differences that they had when they started their relationship, and they are likely to have when they shuffle off the mortal coil. It might be simple things like differences on how money should be spent, or vacation destinations. It can be difficult things like psychological problems, parenting differences, or core values differences. One of the most surprising findings in relationship research in the last few decades is how master happy couples disagree on so many things, even important things, and yet find their relationship is happy. How do they do it? Accept your partner, like you do your siblings and friends. You likely have friends and family members who you disagree with on a variety of things. You might have different values, beliefs, and ideas about what is good, beautiful and true. Rarely do you get highly distressed when those people are different from you. But partners can feel a strain on their bond when they disagree. If you frequently feel distressed over differences in your relationship, you might consider if you can use the same strategies you use with family and friends who are different. There is a TV couple that embodies this acceptance: Vince and Sharon on Fire Country often disagree, but always find acceptance. A Youtube video of their relationship Here's the exercise for this: Name the thing that is different between the two of you. Define it together. In what way are you different. Now think of everyone you know in your friends, family, TV personalities, celebrities, or coworkers that you know are like your partner. List them. When you feel the anxiety of being different- look at your list. 2. Differentiation is better than Enmeshment. Differentiation is an idea from family systems theory (fortunately it doesn't involve Calculus if you were thinking it was a differential equation.. thankfully!). A healthy relationship is one characterized by this: "I am not you, but I am for you" Differentiation is the ability to be true to who you are, but also close to someone else who is different than you, without anxiety. In constrast, enmeshment feels a threat to the relationship bond if there is a difference. This makes for a long-term struggle since no two people are like. In fact, people often pick a mate who "completes them" which means that they are quite different from you. The concept of differentiation has changed many lives. Interested in learning more? Jerry Wise is a therapist who has created a series of videos on the topic of anxiety and differentiation 3. Practice Gratitude for the Differences Many people practice gratitude regularly, whether or not you are spiritual or religious. You can be grateful to God, to your partner, or just plain grateful. One way to take some of the anxiety out of your differences is to put them into the gratitude category. Work a little to find what about that difference you appreciate. For example: My partner likes to spend money & not alway save. I appreciate just enjoying life and spending some of our money helps us enjoy our life. My partner likes to visit family on holidays. I am glad family is important to her. After all I am also part of her family. My partner is prioritizing work to get a promotion. I appreciate the drive, ambition, and talent that this represents. I would appreciate the promotion income for us, and the sense of accomplishment this would provide for my partner. Sometimes clients tell me that a thing has nothing to be grateful about. While that is true for some things (e.g., hyper-defensive tendencies, lying, drug habits, etc.), there are still other things about your partner to be grateful for. Even the worst of things like a bad drug habit, might have some connection to being fun-loving. So you might say 'While I love that your are fun-loving, I am frightened by your drug habit." That doesn't mean you won't have to separate, or put up strong boundaries around the drug habit too in order to achieve as much relational health as possible. Discuss these practices in your counseling session. What are you resisting accepting about your partner? What anxieties are driving that un-acceptance? What are the consequences in your relationship of lack of acceptance?

Understand your relationship, and it's history, using Bob Sternberg's triangular theory of love which creates 8 different types of relationships. What are the 8 types of relationships? Infatuation: Most relationships start out high in passion, but low in intimacy and low in commitment. This infatuation would be characterized by high emotional connection around attraction. You can hardly stop thinking about the person. You can't believe you found him or her! Liking: The relationship that is high in intimacy, but low in passion and commitment is the "Liking" relationship. Many good relationships have started out this way- first as friends and then develop passion and commitment later. Liking is the makings of most every good rom-com movie! Empty love: Those that are high commitment, but low in passion and intimacy would be in an empty relationship. This couple is faithful to their commitments but they may have lost their friendship and spark. They would be faithful in their commitments such as raising children together, caring for family members, maintaining their home, and financial resources. Most long-term relationships spend some time in empty love and need to re-ignite the liking and passion. Romantic love: Although it may appear perfect, this type of relationship involves a couple with passion and friendship, yet they have not made a formal commitment to each other. Some individuals claim to be committed in a relationship, but in reality, they are simply dating exclusively. True commitment entails sharing responsibilities such as a common residence, finances, and family obligations. In many relationships, it is premature to have such commitments, as they are typically reserved for romantic love relationships. Fatuous love: This relationship is high in passion and commitment, but not much intimacy or friendship. This is an unusual relationship in Western culture. This couple has shared commitments, and they have passion, but they don't engage in friendship-type activities or conversations with each other. Some couples work well with this type of relationship. Companionate love: This couple is very common in long-term relationships. The couple have a good friendship, and they have shared commitments to each other, but their passion is low. Some couples may want to spark the passion in their relationship to move into the final category below. Mature love: This couple has it all- passion, intimacy, and shared commitment. Most couples have this as a goal, but not everyone wants this kind of relationship and few couples can stay in this category for the long-term but likely move in and out of this as the relationship ebbs and flows. Intervention: Map the Triangular History of Your Relationship. You might find it helpful to map the history of your relationship as a couple. How did you start, and where were you both in key times in your history? This can open up what aspect of your relationship is most important to you at this phase of your relationship. A good curious and supportive conversation about the triangular theory can be eye-opening and helpful to couples who are creating long-term healhthy relationships. Image credit: The artist behind the image above is L. Ripley, also featured in the book "Hope, Forgiveness, and Positive Psychology in Couple Therapy" by Worthington & Ripley (2024), published by Routledge Publishing.

Couple conflict is a circular pattern, and knowing how to stop the negative cycle is the key to a happy and healthy relationship You likely noticed that when you get into an argument with your mate, things can escalate QUICKLY. You might say: What do you want for dinner? Mate: I don't care, just not Italian or Mexican, and something healthy. You (miffed at that!): Are you kidding? I'm not a restaurant you know. Mate (defensive): I never said you are a restaurant. You asked me what I wanted. You (offended at the defense): You should have known I wasn't going to make some complex gourmet dinner. You always do this- I can never make you happy! Mate (offended at that defense): What the heck! I said I don't care! Now I don't even want dinner. I'm going out. Well.. that didn't go so well, did it? This couple is caught in negative reciprocity. What is negative reciprocity? Partners can find themselves stuck in a negative cycle where one person's negativity triggers a similar response from their spouse, leading to an escalation of negativity from both sides. This results in a situation where both partners are experiencing pain and hurt due to the negative interactions. There is considerable research in the fields of communication and psychology that show once one person in a relationship goes negative, the other person tends to follow right down that rabbit hole. Cordova et al. (1993) found that negative reciprocity can explain quick conflict, or even hostility and aggressive interactions. It 's almost like we can't help ourselves. Even perceived hostility tends to be followed by more hostile words or actions. How do you recognize negative reciprocity? Sometimes couples are well into a fight before they recognize that they have been caught by the negative cycle. The argument tends to cloud and reduce our ability to stop and consider what do I really want or need right now. It can be helpful to review, either on your own or with a therapist, the last time that things went awry for you. What were the earliest clues? Did you notice vocal tension respond more negatively than is needed feel helpless, alone, or offended closed body posture elevated voice tone What can we do? While every couple is unique, there are various small and significant ways to break the cycle. Initially, it's important to recognize that your partner is not your adversary and is not intentionally trying to harm you overall (unless they are abusive, in which case please reach out to the domestic violence hotline ). Next, consider if you aspire to be someone who demonstrates wisdom during challenging times and knows how to act. What steps can you take? What might work for you? humor, as long as it's not critical of your partner getting angry at getting fooled by the cycle, instead of anger at your partner prayer or meditation saying something positive about your partner stating your intent to be kind and not harm each other asking to redirect the conversation to something more helpful asking for some time to cool down, so you don't say something you'll regret These usually take intentional practice so you might write down the strategies you want to try out on the mirror in your bathroom, nightstand, refrigerator, or other locations you tend to find yourself when tensions arise. After the cycle stops: Don't forget to repair the damage Every couple gets caught in a negative cycle sometimes. The "what's for dinner" conversation-turned-argument happens to almost everyone. So give yourself some grace. You are only human. Apologies and forgiveness can be helpful if either of you were offended when caught in the negative cycle. It's important to create a habit of apologizing for your part of the negativity in that cauldron and offer forgiveness. A Great Podcast on Negative Cycles This podcast by Foreplay Radio with sex therapist Dr. Laurie Watson and couple therapist George Faller, LMFT, offers a frank and memorable way to "F*%K the Cycle". Click on the logo below to listen on Spotify. I hope you enjoy it.

The Four-Part Forgiveness Method for Couples by Jennifer Ripley, Ph.D., Psychologist, Professor I’ve done a lot of clinical work with couples working on forgiveness.  Some of them have had enormous, heartbreaking offenses of manipulation, control, aggression or infidelity. Some have had many small offenses of slights, ignoring, criticisms and stonewalling.  Whether the offenses are large or small, single-offense or repeated offenses, it’s never easy. But there comes a point in couple counseling process when the communication has improved some, when past relationships have been explored, and conflict patterns have been illuminated. The couple knows what to do, but there are still negative (even toxic) feelings.  They need to release those negative feelings but are having a hard time. When the anger, frustration, embarrassment, and struggles from the past are hanging on, it’s time to work on forgiveness.  Whether you are a therapist who wants to help a couple with forgiveness, or a couple trying to work through forgiveness yourself. People often want to forgive, but HOW? 1. Identify Four Forgiveness Scenarios Identify four things that need forgiveness in your life. One of them should be outside of your relationship with your partner, and three inside the relationship.  Note that if you have a traumatic/ severe offense (e.g., domestic violence, infidelity) you likely will need more help and time than this exercise will offer.  These four offenses will be targets to help learning how to forgive, so pick things you think you could make progress on. Example:  a) I still have some angry/sad feelings about my former coworker who undercut me at work; b) my spouse not being responsive when I was sick; c) my spouse used curse words at me in a fight last month; d) my spouse was indifferent to me when I was crying in our fight last month. If you are doing this together in couple counseling, or working on it together then give each other the list of four thing.  Each partner has “veto power” over what things to work on together. 2. Learn the REACH model of forgiveness. Forgiveness is something scientists and psychologists have learned a LOT about. Dr. Everett Worthington, Ph.D, Virginia Commonwealth University, is a leading expert on the topic. You can read more about his REACH model of forgiveness HERE; Or hear Dr. Worthington (the founder) teach on the REACH model HERE Or read one of Dr. Worthington’s books on the REACH model HERE Importantly REACH stands for R= Remember the hurt in a new and different way. E= Empathy for the other person, in this case for your partner who got into a place where they hurt the person they love. A= Altruistic Gift of forgiveness for your partner. Ponder how everyone needs forgiveness sometimes, including yourself and how meaningful it is to give and receive forgiveness in a love relationship. C= Commit to forgiveness.  Even if not ready for full forgiveness yet, but to work towards forgiveness and releasing the emotional offense. H= Hold onto forgiveness, once given and received with careful interactions and protection of the work of forgiveness. Another key concept about forgiveness is emotional vs. decisional forgiveness. Emotional forgiveness is the release of negative emotions replaced with more soft, warm and positive emotions towards the other person. Decisional forgiveness is making a decision to choose peace, not engage in retaliation or withdraw from the relationship. To try and be careful and thoughtful, even if still hurt and feeling pain from the offense. Both types of forgiveness are important. 3. Practice Apologies and Taking Responsibility for Your Part Some couples use apologies well, but many have never been in the habit of apologizing well and taking responsibility for their part of difficult situations. Healthy mature relationships involve taking responsibility for your part, no more but no less either. I am sorry that I did _______________.  I see that it hurt you or caused difficulties for you.  I really don’t want to hurt you. I would like to take responsibility for my part in that difficult situation.  I hope you will be able to accept my apology; if not now, then maybe later. Notice how important it is to make this a “but, of course, normal” part of your lives. You will hurt each other at times. Hard days happen. You are both human. Take responsibility for times when your humanness caused pain, offense, or difficulties for your partner. 4. Work on Forgiveness First, start with the person whom you need to forgive outside of your relationship. Use the REACH Model (this REACH workbook LINK is designed to walk you through it) applied to that offense. Then work on the three offenses within your relationship, one by one. Time spent working on forgiveness is key to finding relief and forward movement in your decisions and emotions. Reflect on What you Learned Do you feel you are practicing and learning HOW to forgive when you need to forgive someone? Do you notice thoughts or emotions that rise up when you work on forgiveness?  Some people struggle with guilt for their own offenses.  If that is you, then you might benefit from working on self-forgiveness (LINK to self-forgiveness workbook). Other people have a hard time admitting they have hurt someone they love. Often there is a sense of self-condemnation and a desire to protect oneself from vulnerability in the relationship. If I admit I did something wrong, will my partner attack me with it? Where do you find that the road of forgiveness gets really hard to keep going? Suppose you find that trust and difficulty believing your partner won’t harm you with apology and forgiveness. In that case, you might also need to work on reconciliation and trust-building between you. Talk with each other, or with your therapist, about the process and experience of forgiveness for you.

Sometimes you need to talk about difficult things. How can you start the conversation in a way that will likely lead to good communication and end with smiles and hugs? There comes a time in every relationship when something has to be discussed that you know isn't going to be easy. You already know that you disagree, or that the topic has led to arguments in the past. But you can't avoid it forever. How to bring up difficult subjects. Is Now a Good Time? Observe the situation- is there external stress right now? Are either of you tired or hungry? Did you just finish a fight or are distant? Picking a good time for hard conversations is important for success. Be patient- most hard conversations aren't solved immediately so things can wait for a good time. Start with Listening When you know the conversation is going to be a difficult one, start by asking your partner their thoughts and feelings about it. Really listen and summarize what you hear to let them know you heard them. Speak the Truth in Love It's important to directly and clearly state your needs or concerns, always couched in love. Be soft in your words but clear. For example you might softly say "I have missed time with you and it bothers me when you spend so much time with your friends. I would really enjoy some one-on-one time" More on speaking the truth in love here. You have different needs When making requests, it's important to remember that neither of you is Santa Claus, the eternal giver who never needs anything. You both have needs and they will be different. Recognize the different needs and help each other understand them before you work towards solutions. Solutions can be Revised Once you understand each other's needs and listen then you might suggest a potential solution. Remember that all solutions are experiments. You will try it, and then most likely revise it to work. And life circumstances may change and need more revisions. Flexibility is key to a successful relationship. This intervention is part of the conflict resolution skills unit within Hope Focused Couple Counseling. Hope Focused Counseling Intake and Feedback/ Conceptualization Stabilization of conflict cycles (if needed) Increasing bond by exploring patterns Increasing bond by communication and conflict resolution skill building Increasing bond by repair, forgiving and reconciling Consolidating gains and planning for long-term future