Couple conflict is a circular pattern, and knowing how to stop the negative cycle is the key to a happy and healthy relationship
You likely noticed that when you get into an argument with your mate, things can escalate QUICKLY.
You might say: What do you want for dinner?
Mate: I don't care, just not Italian or Mexican, and something healthy.
You (miffed at that!): Are you kidding? I'm not a restaurant you know.
Mate (defensive): I never said you are a restaurant. You asked me what I wanted.
You (offended at the defense): You should have known I wasn't going to make some complex gourmet dinner. You always do this- I can never make you happy!
Mate (offended at that defense): What the heck! I said I don't care! Now I don't even want dinner. I'm going out.
Well.. that didn't go so well, did it?
This couple is caught in negative reciprocity.
What is negative reciprocity?
Partners can find themselves stuck in a negative cycle where one person's negativity triggers a similar response from their spouse, leading to an escalation of negativity from both sides. This results in a situation where both partners are experiencing pain and hurt due to the negative interactions.
There is considerable research in the fields of communication and psychology that show once one person in a relationship goes negative, the other person tends to follow right down that rabbit hole. Cordova et al. (1993) found that negative reciprocity can explain quick conflict, or even hostility and aggressive interactions. It's almost like we can't help ourselves. Even perceived hostility tends to be followed by more hostile words or actions.
How do you recognize negative reciprocity?
Sometimes couples are well into a fight before they recognize that they have been caught by the negative cycle. The argument tends to cloud and reduce our ability to stop and consider what do I really want or need right now. It can be helpful to review, either on your own or with a therapist, the last time that things went awry for you. What were the earliest clues?
Did you notice
vocal tension
respond more negatively than is needed
feel helpless, alone, or offended
closed body posture
elevated voice tone
What can we do?
While every couple is unique, there are various small and significant ways to break the cycle. Initially, it's important to recognize that your partner is not your adversary and is not intentionally trying to harm you overall (unless they are abusive, in which case please reach out to the domestic violence hotline). Next, consider if you aspire to be someone who demonstrates wisdom during challenging times and knows how to act. What steps can you take?
What might work for you?
humor, as long as it's not critical of your partner
getting angry at getting fooled by the cycle, instead of anger at your partner
prayer or meditation
saying something positive about your partner
stating your intent to be kind and not harm each other
asking to redirect the conversation to something more helpful
asking for some time to cool down, so you don't say something you'll regret
These usually take intentional practice so you might write down the strategies you want to try out on the mirror in your bathroom, nightstand, refrigerator, or other locations you tend to find yourself when tensions arise.
After the cycle stops: Don't forget to repair the damage
Every couple gets caught in a negative cycle sometimes. The "what's for dinner" conversation-turned-argument happens to almost everyone. So give yourself some grace. You are only human. Apologies and forgiveness can be helpful if either of you were offended when caught in the negative cycle. It's important to create a habit of apologizing for your part of the negativity in that cauldron and offer forgiveness.
A Great Podcast on Negative Cycles
This podcast by Foreplay Radio with sex therapist Dr. Laurie Watson and couple therapist George Faller, LMFT, offers a frank and memorable way to "F*%K the Cycle". Click on the logo below to listen on Spotify. I hope you enjoy it.
