by Jen Ripley Ph.D. with intervention materials from Jared Tan, M.A.
Christmas Fighting Traditions
Christmas used to be so stressful for my husband and I. We could count on a good fight at least once before and after Christmas. We would visit family... enough said about THAT causing tensions. We had different ideas of how many Christmas parties we wanted to attend, and as the extrovert, I always wanted to do more than his introvert self could tolerate. In our early days, it was hard to decide how much time is good to spend with grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Then there's how much to spend on gifts. Yeah... fights.
Christmas Dating
And then we discovered Christmas dating! Now my husband and I already regularly date once a week. We might not go out to dinner and a movie, but we take a walk, cuddle on the couch, and generally try and put down our phones and look at each other on Friday nights. We both love it and credit this habit as what has kept two rather-stubborn people happily married for over 30 years.
Christmas dating is a new thing- because those Friday nights get booked up with office parties, and friend-parties, and travel. We would often go over a month without dating. So we started just telling our family that we were going out, just the two of us for a few hours. We might wander around Target, or go drive around with Christmas lights, or sit in a quiet Christmas service together, or go parking like we did in high school... smile. It gave us a chance to talk through tensions and have more clear conversations we couldn't have in front of everyone else.
A Christmas Movie Date
A star doctoral student, Jared Tan, created a fabulous intervention, perfect for a Christmas date night but applicable any time of year. Perhaps you have been in couple therapy but you have a break due to the holiday, and you don't want to lose momentum. Yet you also don't want to instigate your negative cycle (why does every couple therapist talk about the negative cycle? Such a universal experience of couple-life) and make things worse.
So Jared created the Movie Discussion Date.
How the Movie Discussion Date Works
A. Pick a movie.
I know- this can be tense but if you think it might be tense- then let your partner pick the movie (it is Christmas after all), or use paper-rock-scissors to decide. We recommend the following 4 movies, one of which is a Christmas movie. These movies are great with themes of relationship repair. You can stream, rent or buy these movies with major movie streaming vendors.
Four Christmases (2008) with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn navigate how to understand and forgive each other. 1 hour 28 minutes.
Obsessed (2009) with Idris Elba, Beyonce Knowles, & Ali Larter. A seductive office temp creates chaos in a couple's relationship. 1 hour 48 minutes.
Fools Rush In (1997) with Matthew Perry and Selma Hayek. A couple finds themselves expecting a baby after a one-night stand and then they create a relationship, with some need for understanding and forgiveness.
Yours Mine and Ours (2005) with Dennis Quaid and Rene Russo. A couple creates a blended family with struggles and offenses with their kids and each other.
You might have another movie you think of with a theme of a couple courageously creating a healthy relationship despite obstacles and offenses.
B. Discuss the Movie
After watching the movie, grab some coffee or cocoa and a cozy spot to talk about the movie together. The main goal is to consider how the movie might illuminate good things or future goals for your own marriage. Here are suggested discussion questions:
1. What was the main relationship portrayed in the movie? This is the relationship that you will focus on in the following questions.
2. What main problem(s) did this couple face? Are any of these similar to the problems that the two of you have faced or might face as a couple?
3. Did this couple strive to understand each other? Did they tend to accept one another, even if they were very different? Or did the couple tend to attack each other’s differences?
In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
4. Did the couple have a strong friendship with each other? Were they able to support each other through bad moods, stressful days, and hard times? Did they listen to each other like good friends? Did the couple in the movie do considerate or affectionate things for each other?
In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
5. How did the couple handle arguments or differences of opinion? Were they able to open up and tell each other how they really felt, or did they tend to just snap at each other with anger? Did they try using humor to keep things from getting nasty? Did it feel like they were really trying to understand each other?
In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
6. If the couple got into arguments, did they tend to become heated? Did the couple ever start attacking each other, getting increasingly mean and hostile? Did they end up saying things they didn't really mean? Once this started happening, how did the arguments tend to end?
In what way was this relationship similar to or different from your own relationship in this area?
7. When one of the partners brought up a problem, did they seem to do it in a constructive way (keeping things specific, explaining their feelings without attacking), or did it seem more like an attack? Did it seem like bringing up a problem became an assassination of the partner's character?
8. How did the couple in the movie handle hurt feelings? Did they apologize to each other? Did the apologies seem sincere? As they received the apology, did they consider how they have in the past both hurt each other and received forgiveness from each other?
How do you normally apologize and seek forgiveness?
9. What other things happened in the movie that might lead you to think differently about your relationship/marriage?