You started this relationship with "yes"
Will you go out with me on a date? Yes
Can we be exclusive in our relationship? Yes
Will you marry me? Yes
But we can't always say "yes, I agree" in our relationships. Each person is their own individual, as well as part of your relationship. This creates a natural tension or conflicts in predictable ways.
"I want to save money, but I know she wants to spend some more."
"He loves to take tropical vacations on beaches, but I miss my family and want to see them."
"She wants to prioritize her work this year to get a promotion, but I wish she was more available and I'm tired of the extra chores this creates for me."
"I'm a Republican but you are a Democrat!"
Research indicates that all couples have tensions and differences that they had when they started their relationship, and they are likely to have when they shuffle off the mortal coil. It might be simple things like differences on how money should be spent, or vacation destinations. It can be difficult things like psychological problems, parenting differences, or core values differences.
One of the most surprising findings in relationship research in the last few decades is how master happy couples disagree on so many things, even important things, and yet find their relationship is happy. How do they do it?
Accept your partner, like you do your siblings and friends.
You likely have friends and family members who you disagree with on a variety of things. You might have different values, beliefs, and ideas about what is good, beautiful and true. Rarely do you get highly distressed when those people are different from you. But partners can feel a strain on their bond when they disagree. If you frequently feel distressed over differences in your relationship, you might consider if you can use the same strategies you use with family and friends who are different.
There is a TV couple that embodies this acceptance: Vince and Sharon on Fire Country often disagree, but always find acceptance. A Youtube video of their relationship
Here's the exercise for this: Name the thing that is different between the two of you. Define it together. In what way are you different. Now think of everyone you know in your friends, family, TV personalities, celebrities, or coworkers that you know are like your partner. List them. When you feel the anxiety of being different- look at your list.
2. Differentiation is better than Enmeshment.
Differentiation is an idea from family systems theory (fortunately it doesn't involve Calculus if you were thinking it was a differential equation.. thankfully!). A healthy relationship is one characterized by this:
"I am not you, but I am for you"
Differentiation is the ability to be true to who you are, but also close to someone else who is different than you, without anxiety. In constrast, enmeshment feels a threat to the relationship bond if there is a difference. This makes for a long-term struggle since no two people are like. In fact, people often pick a mate who "completes them" which means that they are quite different from you.
The concept of differentiation has changed many lives. Interested in learning more?
3. Practice Gratitude for the Differences
Many people practice gratitude regularly, whether or not you are spiritual or religious. You can be grateful to God, to your partner, or just plain grateful. One way to take some of the anxiety out of your differences is to put them into the gratitude category. Work a little to find what about that difference you appreciate. For example:
My partner likes to spend money & not alway save. I appreciate just enjoying life and spending some of our money helps us enjoy our life.
My partner likes to visit family on holidays. I am glad family is important to her. After all I am also part of her family.
My partner is prioritizing work to get a promotion. I appreciate the drive, ambition, and talent that this represents. I would appreciate the promotion income for us, and the sense of accomplishment this would provide for my partner.
Sometimes clients tell me that a thing has nothing to be grateful about. While that is true for some things (e.g., hyper-defensive tendencies, lying, drug habits, etc.), there are still other things about your partner to be grateful for. Even the worst of things like a bad drug habit, might have some connection to being fun-loving. So you might say 'While I love that your are fun-loving, I am frightened by your drug habit." That doesn't mean you won't have to separate, or put up strong boundaries around the drug habit too in order to achieve as much relational health as possible.
Discuss these practices in your counseling session. What are you resisting accepting about your partner? What anxieties are driving that un-acceptance? What are the consequences in your relationship of lack of acceptance?
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